The Secret To Genuine Connection

We are all clear how complex it is for science to isolate variables and establish correlations in order for us to understand a little better what love, attraction and affection are.  After taking a good look at what makes a strong couple, it seems the key to attractiveness lies in “mutual understanding”.   Most of us, automatically assume it means two people who are very much alike and have similar thinking patterns, we couldn’t be more wrong…

Our partner could be very different from us and arguments could easily arise when dealing with conflicted ways of thinking; however, if after an argument both people have grown and chosen to understand one another, set clear rules and boundaries–which do not leave either one violated– then mutual understanding has been achieved.

Although physical attraction has its importance, it does not last.  It certainly can be intense but over time it becomes empty and fleeting.  True attraction arises from a stimuli of our minds and souls; is like beating to the same rhythm of our internal music.  True attraction goes beyond the physical and the outer layers of our interior.  Authentic magic happens when two people can learn to grow emotionally within the relationship; this usually happens through the arduous process of peeling all false layers imposed by ourselves on what used to be our own individuality and uniqueness.  This process can be challenging and painful for both partners, however it is also a very rewarding process which helps develop a genuinely  strong bond.

Undoubtedly one of the most common phrases among men and women is “I just want someone who understands me”.  Far from looking at ourselves as silly creatures for stating these words, our inner desire is logical and accurate; no love would be authentic without feeling understood, without the empathy based on our intuition for the needs of our partner and the correspondence of affection.  Where we get lost in translation is when we fall into the dramatic yet classic “Disney movie syndrome” where we expect genuine mutual understanding to happen instantaneously, for we are used to confusing superficial agreement with genuine understanding.  Let’s emphasize that genuine understanding and its bond cannot transpired between two people without them peeling all false layers; like an archeological process, it is arduous and it takes time, and there also needs to be a desire to grow as a person , to face your own demons  and to fully discover what you and your partner are all about.

No matter how different two people may seem in their interests, physicality or sociological way of thinking, a genuine bond happens when we feel the need to explore deeper into the vast sea of who we are.  The real mystery resides beyond the physical and inner turmoil that we sometimes as people maintain;  we all hide emotional needs that can only be identified when we face a partner who challenges us and incentivizes to become a better man or woman.

Our hidden wounds/ challenges which may have been hidden from our own conscious, suddenly become identified, explored, and resolved within our relationship–let us not forget our partners are our own mirrors disguised as strangers.  These mirrors over the course of our life time will change unless evolvement happens simultaneously.  Most of us do not realize each one of us has different sides to ourselves….

a) The side of you which you and the rest of the world knows.

b) The side of you which only you know.

c) The side of you which you are blinded to but others know about you.

d) The side of you which not you nor others know.

It is this last side “(d)” that concerns our partners, they are here to teach us about ourselves.   They are here to help us see the good and bad things within ourselves.   If however one partner chooses to deny the mirror and puts all responsibility on the other mate, then separation will be inevitable.

Whenever growth stops, a stagnant, indifferent state happens.  This is not to put blame on any one, the lessons life may want to teach us through our partners will simply come at different times in our lives.

Sometimes neither partner is ready for growth or change and so the relationship falls apart, yet this does not stop life from trying to help you grow.  Whatever lesson you needed to learn will be presented to you within your next partner.  It is within that closeness and your own desire to pull off the layers, that the relationship although chaotic at times, will grow, leaving you feeling like a different better version of yourself.

True attraction lies within a real mental and deep emotional connection.   The more we can tune to our partner’s emotional world to the point of deciphering his or her feelings the greater the attraction.  This process does not happen overnight but it should not take a life time for any of us to figure out whether or not we are growing as human beings within our own relationships.  Love is growth and expansion of self, when this happens we tend to give the best of us without hiding the “worst” of us.  We expose our wounds and work through our issues, as a result we feel a desire to connect deeper with our partner and to keep exploring within our own relationship.

When in a relationship lies a superficial connection, usually based on fear (fear of losing status, fear of being alone, fear of what others may say, fear of violating some predisposed code, fear of not pleasing others) it will leave one or both partners feeling bitter, needing to carry a mask for the sake of others, blaming each other and most likely they will blame one another rather than take responsibility for their own actions–that is not Love, it is fear.

Love’s beauty and strength lies in facing the challenges and growing as human beings into even more beautiful versions of who we are; is like getting  an upgrade.  Finding  someone who genuinely understands isn’t easy but when it does happen our brain and soul are please and they expand.  We may fool our mind for a little bit with superficial connections yet no matter how long the length of time of a superficial relationship, when we eventually start seeing that we are treating ourselves as worthless, our soul will fight back because it knows its own value.

A professor of neuroscience said in order to have a lasting happy relationship, people are forced to continuously update and decode the emotions and intentions of our partners; only then can we anticipate them and act accordingly. For example: “He looks sad, something must have gone wrong. I am going to prepare him a nice dinner, ran him a hot bath and give him a massage”.  If our neurological system fails instead to decode emotions, it can create a state of dissonance in the brain and issues within the relationship may arise.

As people we need a more intimate harmony where our neural vocabulary speaks the same language.  Where our needs are decoded and met through a wise, intuitive and courageous emotional reading–a partner who is capable to give you the answer you need, not necessarily the answer you want to hear.

In order to grow and expand we don’t need to be enable in aspects within our lives which prevents us from becoming better versions of ourselves.  Sometimes the path to growth can be challenging but  it helps us become better people, instead of misunderstood characters locked in our solitary shells, while on the outside we seem pleasing to others.  Love yourself enough to walk away from anything that hinders your growth.  Love yourself enough to develop the courage to keep pushing forward when it’s obvious your mind and soul are expanding.  Love yourself enough to embrace yourself with all your light and darkness and to embrace those who can see just how beautiful and amazing you really are despite of your so called “flaws”.

If people can see both; your flaws (your anger, your judgment, etc) and your light…then you are being real.  Embrace those who encourage you to be real and respect yourself enough to walk away from anyone with whom you have to wear a mask in order to fit in.

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By Sofia Falcone

I passionately believe one person can make a difference. I write from my own experiences and interests. It is my greatest hope that by writing about my own challenges, victories, hopes and learnings, others may feel inspired to believe more in their inner power and to fully embrace themselves!

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