Respecting Yourself: Begging For Love Isn’t Real Love.

Love must be demonstrated, never begged.  If you find yourself begging for love then please take a step back and re-evaluate, for each one of us is worth loving.

We all have our own emotional baggage; some more than others; yet we should always keep working on ourselves without giving up our self worth/uniqueness.  If you are already struggling with self worth, begging for love is only going to cement that feeling.  No one has the right to make you feel small and you have the right and responsibility to stand up for yourself, to give yourself worth because if you don’t do it, no one else will.

This is something I had to learn over the years–it takes time to erase old patterns of behavior or to give self value/worth when life has been less than optimum.  Looking back I can see just how much I have grown from where I was and it has been great!   I wouldn’t want to go back to the person I was nor could I–for better or for worst we are always changing in big or small ways.

Taking a look back in time, I can see how much I tolerated from the people I was involved with.  I have come to a place in my life where I can look back and take responsibility for the things I allowed to happen. Having been exposed to so much abuse and dysfunctionality growing up affected me tremendously; by the time I was a young lady I was ready to defend the underdog while allowing mistreatment to my soul and body.  I got involved in severely co-dependent relationships (some worst than others) partly because I did not have an example of what it was to be loved in a healthy way, so I would accept beautiful “words” and endured damaging “actions”.  What was worst, I would never share the bad “stuff” with anyone else.  You can imagine then what happened when I finally chose to walk away, I would have to endure seeing others treat the person with toxic behavior be treated as the victim.  At those times I would feel so angry at the world, when instead I should have been looking closer to home.  I was the one that built that person up at my own expense didn’t I? Well then, others were simply being a reflection of my own creation.  The only thing others were responsible for, was not to have the maturity to understand there is always two sides to a story.  They listened toa person who was willing to be the victim yet never even bothered to ask for my side of the story.   I guess that is what happens when one side is willing to lie, tell half truths, play victim.   I was the type of person who didn’t want to have to give explanations, mostly out of feeling ashamed to have allowed certain behaviors. Nowadays, I still don’t feel anyone has the right to expect an explanation about details of my life in exchange for maintaining a friendship or familial relationship.  The way I see it, those who only listen to one side of a story are not the type of people I want around me any way.

I am at a place in my life where I’m falling in love with me all over again.  These past years I have spent so much time and effort working on healing my old wounds.  I am not there yet but I certainly feel blessed for where this life is taking me.  I now get to help others like me which is an honour and very healing to my own soul.   Perhaps had I not experienced severe setbacks, I would have never chosen this life path.   My knowledge is not just theoretical; for nothing can teach you and prepare you better than life; my knowledge or wisdom comes from experience and theory combined.

I am so happy and feel so blessed by the universe when I see how all the negative experiences where nothing but lessons in life to prepare me for where I am now.   I choose to see it that way because it gives my life meaning.  When I look at how much I have overcome (disorder/abuse/neglect…) I can’t help but feel proud of myself while maintainingmy head grounded.  I try to remember the “mistakes” I made, for none of us are innocent; I don’t punish myself for them but I certainly keep them in mind, looking back at them every now and then as a reminder that I’m no victim nor am I free of blemish–this keeps me humble. I was victimized not broken and I too made mistakes of my own.

Personally I feel there is no worst place than to overcome our traumas (or be working on overcoming them) and then start buying into the delusional belief that the world owes us or that we are “perfect”.  No matter how much I work on myself,  I know I will not ever be perfect and that is cool with me.  It’s cool with me because then I can be real with myself; I can be me vs trying to live up to an image of me.

Now, when I look at my relationships I feel more at ease; I am more capable to let others know where my boundaries are, what I like and what I don’t like.  If that is not something they can handle it’s  okay, we just keep walking our own paths.   Boundaries keep relationships healthy and allows in, only those whom I resonate with and whom will contribute to my growth.  The relationships become very “real” and deep… I love it.  So please remember, you deserve love and respect while  also learning to take responsibility for your own life/actions.  Apologize when you need to and stand up for yourself when others want to walk all over you.

When it comes to love remember you deserve the one who may say less but does more.  You deserve more than the one who only searches for you when he/she needs you or his/her interests are aroused.  You deserve the one who is there when you need them.  Of course this should be balanced; you don’t want to be a taker!

No matter how much conflict or doubts rise in your relationship, you can learn to look at the actions.  If the one you love can put differences aside when you really need him/her and you are capable of doing that in return; then you are on the right path towards growth and a healthy balanced relationship.  We all deserve the one person who invites and lets you in to see his scars,  his soul, his beauty and his darkness; that shows you just how important you are to your significant other.

If  a person has not time for you, don’t beg for love because that person is showing you they care only about their needs.  It isn’t right for you to surround yourself or to get involved with someone who makes you feel invisible or insignificant.  You deserve someone who regardless of any differences you may have, sees your worth and value.

Keep in mind the saying“There is no lack of time, there is only lack of interest”.  This saying reminds us, whenever someone is truly interested, a moment becomes an opportunity and dawn becomes day.  However, we should be understanding when real aspects of life take precedence, try not to take them personally.   It’s about assessing the situation and seeing it for what it is; sometimes one needs help understanding this.  It is okay to need help, so long as you are still making progress, even if it’s baby steps.

To expect someone else to “make” you happy is not how you want to live your life.  You need to focus on you, so no matter whether you have a significant other or not at the very least you can feel satisfied.  You can do this by not denying yourself simply because you are in a relationship;  not losing who you are and what you are made of.

Growth is great, compromise is good but these things have nothing to do with the misconceived idea that you have to give up what makes you special to make someone else feel better.  Growth does the opposite, it leaves you feeling more fulfilled. Those who give up on you because you are growing as a person are not the type of people you should be focusing on. Do not focus on anything or anyone that hinders your growth.

Do not ignore your emotional pain, disregarding it under the false idea that time will heal you.  Time does heal but we also have to do the work and apply the lessons which we have learned over time; only by doing this can we be sure to assimilate the lessons, healing the wounds and letting go of the pain.  Only then can we move to another stage in our lives, a healthier stage.

If you need help, don’t be afraid to ask for it.  In our society we still have the erroneous belief that psychological pain/discomfort is a sign of weakness, add to that the old saying “time will heal all wounds” and we have a recipe for disaster.  It would be like trying to heal a deep wound by simply ignoring it, without disinfecting it, without properly bandaging it, so the person does not bleed everywhere.

Spend time with those who deserve your time and who help you grow.  Do not beg for the love or attention of anyone; whoever loves you shows it with actions.  If you live in a situation of emotional injustice try the following to start regaining your power:  Do not call whoever does not call you or whoever does not answer your calls.  Do not look back or look for whoever doesn’t miss you. Do not write, do not submit yourself to the cruel punishment imposed whenever a message is ignored; you do not deserve their indifference nor their unfounded silences.  Do not wait for those who do not wait for you; take courage and stop begging for love.   Love must be demonstrated and felt never begged.

Your love should be for those whom no matter what differences of opinion there may be, love you and understand you. Your love should be reserved for those who respect the fact that you have the right to make your own choices. You do not deserve punishment because you don’t do what is expected of you (specially if what is expected of you would only take you back to lying to yourself while pleasing others) No one has more value than you.

Above all I would like you to take a good look at yourself in the mirror.  Look at the value of your smile; a genuine smile. Look at the beauty of your eyes which allow you to take a glimpse of your soul.  It does not matter if your body is different than what society considers “perfect”, there are those who will find your body perfect the way it is.  More importantly you need to find it perfect, to embrace it, to love it.

Value yourself for everything you are; don’t devaluate yourself for someone else whose opinion is tainted by his/her own insecurities, wounds, bitterness.  Love yourself realizing that just because you were with someone who neglected you, does not mean you should give up on yourself.  You should do the impossible to regain your worth, surrounding yourself with those who love you without expecting you to pretend; those who love you from the inside out!

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By Sofia Falcone

I passionately believe one person can make a difference. I write from my own experiences and interests. It is my greatest hope that by writing about my own challenges, victories, hopes and learnings, others may feel inspired to believe more in their inner power and to fully embrace themselves!

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