You may have heard the term “Tantric Sex” yet be unfamiliar with the meaning. You may think is something similar to the Kamasutra, you couldn’t be more wrong. The Kamasutra is a book in which a series of sexual positions appear, Tantric sex refers to the practice of Tantra; an Indian philosophy meant to enhance the sexual experience and reconnect with the source. Tantric sex per say does not exist but there is Tantra. In the west Tantra is associated with sexual practices; however it is a holistic experience of Budhist origin. This practice helps people become aware of what is around them and what happens with their own energy.
Tantra is based on existentiality and on the discipline of “the here an now“; that is “to be in the present moment”. This discipline can and should affect our sexuality as it helps a person adopt a non-judgemental mentality by which one can connect with himself and his partner. Tantra allows us greater freedom and the ability to develop our senses beyond the “usual”, while also relearning how to love ourselves and others. Tantra is synonymous with emotional connection, it is fusion with oneself and with one’s beloved. Tantra is not magic or witchcraft, yet it feels like magic and its reenergizing; it intensifies the sexual experience because it puts all the attention on the sexual practice. The mind and body then become fuse which therefore intensifies all sensations throughout the experience.
To practice Tantric Sex it is necessary to practice Tantra. You may say to yourself “yeah I get that but how do I do it?”… To fully learn and understand Tantra it requires years of practice and study; however, here are some basic steps to help you experiment with Tantra. These basic steps can help you improve your sexual experience and the pleasure you get from it….
BE IN THE MOMENT…. Being in the moment is the best way to connect with your inner self. Being in the here and now stops our minds from ruminating so we can give ourselves more deeply. Think about it, how much pleasure could you get if you stopped focusing on mundane things?…this usually tends to happen as a result of focusing on either past experiences or expectations.
It is very difficult to obtain an erection let along an orgasm when one is not focus on the present moment. For Tantra the present is sacred because is the only time which exists. In order to separate oneself from ideas, thoughts, memories, imaginations, dreams, it is necessary to open oneself to the experience and become aware of the place you are at, the situation; become aware of your partner’s skin, their smell, their hair, their touch…
Tantric breathing is key to help us bridge the gap between our sensations and the here and now; how to do this: Just before the sexual experience, you and your partner stand naked one in front of the other; very close but no touching. Keep your eyes close and start breathing deeply and slowly. Tantric Breathing is used to quiet one’s self and control the process of inhaling and exhaling in such a way that all focus is on the inflow and outflow of the air through the nose. When you have controlled your breathing its time to connect with your partner’s breath and merge both breaths. You can turn to face your partner and gently put your right hand on her heart chakra, look into her eyes and start inhaling together. Inhale through the nose and exhale through your mouth making a sound which is similar to the one most of us make when reaching and orgasm (if you can’t picture it, just try to exhale while making an “O” with your lips). Exhale from the lower part of your abdomen. Do not take your eyes off your partner. This can be tricky as most of us don’t like to be watched, hence Tantra gently pushes us to drop our masks and simply be. This practice helps us connect with our partners in a very deep way and to enjoy the whole sexual experience as one entity.
VISUAL CONTACT… There are many people who fear eye contact but eye contact can say a thousand times more than any words we use. It is more than possible to increase our connection with our partner by simply being naked in front of each other and maintaining eye contact. You can either stand or sit (I recommend to sit and practice this before the step given above). Just sit naked in front of your partner (on the ground or on your bed) and look deeply into each other’s eyes. Don’t try to decipher anything just be, don’t try to hide your emotions, just be; be aware of what is happening in that moment, forgetting anything else around you. Although at first this practice can be uncomfortable, as you go along you will notice an increase of psychological connection with your partner. This practice is beautiful because it helps undress all your false layers and exposes your most inner fears and feelings which are the cornerstone for a real deep connection.
CHAKRAS….Tantra focuses a lot on chakras because they are our body’s energy centers. This practice looks favourably at what is call “energy exchange” between two people in an intimate relationship. According to this philosophy there are six energy centers for exchange; three in men and three in women (Instinctive-Sexual, Emotional, Mental-Spiritual). I won’t explain a lot on chakras here as it can be confusing, needless to say each of them has an impact in the sexual act. To start working your partner’s chakras, have her lay down on her belly and start to massage her entire body, from her feet to the 1st chakra; your partner then turns over and you start the massage from the crown to the feet (covering all main 7 chakras). When you have finished giving your partner the massage, then it’ll be your turn to take her place and for her to give you the same massage she just experienced. After a couple has gone through the experience of massaging one another, then they are ready to connect sexually.
EXPLORING … Tantra is also known as a cult to the feminine. The feminine refers to the archetypal characteristics within women; tenderness, listening, softness, sensitivity, strength, etc. Women are considered the creators of life; this title was not only given due to the fact that women bring children into this world but also due to the special care they require in terms of cycles and sexual practices. A tantric man is predisposed to accompany and lend his essence to the female so she may enjoy herself. This special attention to a woman’s pleasure in turn impacts his own pleasure by what he receives back. A tantric man must show an attitude of mindfulness and receptive attention towards his partner’s body; he hears it, he perceives it, he subtlety feels it and in its totality. His partner’s increase excitement will then add to his own pleasure.
DISCOVERING…This knowledge may seem similar to the previous one; however, while the former pays attention to the signal’s a man may receive from his partner (female/Shakti; the goddess) this knowledge is to awaken the male consciousness (also called Shiva). The human body is a universe to be discovered and there are different erogenous zones which can be awaken and discovered. A simple way to discover is for both members to take a blank sheet and draw each other’s bodies (front and back). Each member;with a different colour; marks all parts of his/her partner’s body which they may considered erogenous. Afterwards they can compare their ideas, in their next encounter they can carry out their discoveries.
DIFFERENT RYTHMS… Human beings have a great capacity for innovation and adaptation, this makes it necessary for a couple to change the rhythms when it comes to intimate encounters; everything in nature changes, likewise with sexuality. It is possible to add variety to your sexual life without having to change partners. Change within intensities and rhythms increases the energy of excitement and helps to achieve more intense orgasms.
Here is a simple exercise: When a couple is enjoying a intimate moment, the rhythm and intensity with which caresses are applied must vary, specially when it comes to the erogenous zones. This is not something which should only be done before intercourse but also during. For example: It is possible to perform 6 gentle and then 1 deep penetration. You can also carry out combinations of 5-1, 4-1, 3-1. 2-1, 1-1 (The first number refers to gentle penetration, the second to deep ones) and then start the whole sequence again.
MASTERING THE ORGASM…When ejaculation occurs men lose physical energy and require time to recover, because of this many men become interested in Tantra; they are searching to learn how to gain control over the ejaculatory process. Ejaculation is the result of what is understood as peak orgasm; it is of short duration and ends in an explosion of energy. Learning to control ejaculation leads a man to what is called the “Orgasm valley”, which consists of orgasms throughout the body. Learning to control the orgasm by learning to remain within “Orgasm Valley” is great for both people involved. It helps to maintain the moment of intimacy (intercourse) longer as the erection does not give way and the clitoris can continue to be stimulated without discomfort.
Learning to stay within the “Orgasm Valley” is key to greater enjoyment within a relationship. A very simple Tantric technique used to improve the awareness of the ejaculatory moment is the practice of “Perception”. The practice of perception involves learning to bring one to consciousness at all times of intimacy; to be aware of every sense within our body enhances our pleasure. For men learning to be in the moment helps them recognize that “one” moment before ejaculation; once a man has learned to listen to his body, to be in the moment, he will no doubt be able to recognize when ejaculation is about to happen (before he hits the point of no return) and to stop and breathe. Stopping does not decrease pleasure, on the contrary… your partner can do all the moving (with you guiding her of course) and you can enjoy the feeling of your senses expanding and of your desire increasing. In order to promote this state of self awareness, it is very important to practice active self-listening; learn to detect the pleasurable sensations that lead to your peak orgasm. At first this work has to be done alone (as most men masturbate mechanically). Alone doesn’t mean your partner cannot be present (unless you are shy and the idea of your loved one watching you is out of your comfort zone). Once you have learned to recognize your own bodily sensations, then you can start practicing the technique with your partner.
Tantra is about connection, purity, intensity, love, spirituality and most of all Transcendence. Sexuality is beautiful and can be magical; we need to learn to rediscover the actual meaning of being sexual…
Falcone Counseling Services 