At one point or another each one of us has had to deal with other people trying to put us down; what is the best way to handle it? First you have to understand the reason why others behave like that, then you can skill yourself on how to deal with it.
Let’s start by first making it very clear that whatever type of behavior others exhibit with you is not a reflection of who you are but rather a reflection of who they are. Keeping that in mind will help you not to take things too personally. I know its sounds simplistic and if you are anything like me, it might take you years to learn to accept this wisdom. In the past I used to take things too personally; over time I’ve discovered what others think about me has nothing to do with me…what changed? My perception!
Your perception; which is your focus; changes as you spend more time on your own self development. As you start embracing yourself, what others say or think about you becomes less important and less hurtful.
No one knows you better than you know yourself. Many of us are even struggling to fully understand and remember who we are at our core, so how can somebody else who cannot see inside of you, feel like you or act like you, understand or have any real idea of who you are? It’s not possible, therefore their judgements are nothing but “projections” at most.
In life you will encounter two different types of people who will try to put you down; those who do it overtly and those who try to be more subtle. Personally I rather deal with someone who is overt, that way at least I have a clear understanding of how they see me or feel about me. I have a tremendous dislike for those who try to hurt me subtly; I find such conduct one of cowardice. I have always respected directness; I may not always like it but life has taught me to value and respect it.
The first thing to do when others try to put you down is remind yourself that they are intimidated by you. If you didn’t intimidate them, if you were not important in their thoughts, they would not bother to try to put you down.
Let’s say you have a dream or a goal; you will encounter different types of people: Those who will support you, those who openly disagree with you, those who will try to mock you openly by ridiculing your dreams and the most toxic yet, the ones who are silent but their behavior towards you does all the talking.
I learned those who try put me down usually resent something about my choices, not me personally. My strong belief on my dreams seems to disturb those who feel I should either live victimizing myself for the abuse imposed on me or live apologizing for my life because of the mistakes I made; regardless of what they think, I choose to work on myself and on turning my dreams into reality. Those who like to see me fail obviously will have tremendous dislike at how I handle myself because by simply focusing on me, I am taking away from them one more excuse not to do that which they claim they wish they had; with that I am also stopping them from having one more person to bully. Unfortunately if life lesson’s made them bitter or sarcastic, they will try to make sure others become sarcastic or bitter about life as well. It matters not how much they may smile on the outside, those people know they are miserable and vindictive inside and rather than spend the time working on themselves, they pick someone else to pay the price for their own lack of introspection.
People who like to look down on others often deep down feel “less than”; they may seem as if they have good self esteem yet their need to try to hurt someone else only goes to show how fragile their real ego is. Self esteem is not the ability to socialize and be friendly towards everyone; always trying to “act” nice or “act” cool–healthy self esteem is not needing the approval of others; working to be the best you can be regardless of who likes and approves of it.
Another thing I am learning ;yet at times I forget; is not to tell someone else my dreams/goals until they’ve been reached. The only exception should be those who are very close to you, such as your spouse or kids.
I used to get super excited about an idea and I would talk openly about it; what it was, how I was going to achieve it, etc. Life has taught me that no matter how much you plan, sometimes your best plans will have to change or you will have to postpone them, yet those who like to put people down will simply relish those delays and may try to convince you and others to see such delays as failures.
I came to realize there is no pleasing some people. Some people will not be happy with my choices no matter what I do. If I had to quit or postpone something they acted displeased. If I achieved something they acted displeased–bottom line is this….their displeasure is not with me but with themselves; they just won’t admit to that. Deep inside they know the truth but it’s easier to point the finger or gossip about someone else. In my case they were intimidated because I had the balls to believe in myself, to not let my past or any set backs define me; that is a very scary thing to do in a world full of people seeking approval to define their self worth. My biggest advice to you is to remember to keep your dreams, goals and plans silent; however do not let your silence be confused with stupidity.
What to do in regarding your own personality–should you force yourself to create a superficial image in order to be pleasing and not have others put you down?…Hell NO!!!. People who want to put you down will find any reason to do so. No matter how much you may think changing yourself for their sake will please them; if they have made up their mind about who you are or who you should be; there will be no changing their mind. The only way they will change their mind is when and if they are ready to do so.
You have the responsibility to look at your own life and make sure to work on the things you still need to heal or to develop on. You also have the right to be yourself even if that self is different than most people out there. Personally I can come across as quirky, nervous, shy or depending on the situation others can perceive me as indifferent. In the past it caused me much heartache, I have learned through trial and error that is okay to be myself. I don’t need to pretend or force myself to be someone I am not in order for others to feel comfortable around me. I have learned when to ignore people’s ignorance and when to stand up for myself. Those who know me well are aware that although shy, I’m no doormat; those who don’t, quickly learn it. I respect the right everyone has to live their lives in whatever way they wish to, so long as their lives do not impose on mine–what I am advocating here is self respect. People who have self respect do not go looking for fights but also do not let others abuse them. I learned to say what is on my mind openly, politely yet directly. I also learned that no matter what, those who like to twists things will twist my words, their meaning or the tone when gossiping about me to others. The one thing I can do when I am made aware of such gossip is to remind myself not to let their ignorance and maliciousness get the best of me.
Another way to stop dealing with the hurt of others putting you down is to spend less time with them. It helps to learn to respond to your ability of choice; that is what is called responsibility. Why spend time with people who hurt you? A lot of times we complain about people putting us down yet we still choose to spend time with them. We give ourselves a lot of excuses on why we choose to be around them, why we choose to think about them, ultimately “paying” them more attention than they deserve.
Sadly a lot of times many of us like to focus on people who put us down, maybe because we indirectly believe we have the power to change those people. Let me ask you something, what makes them more valuable than you? NOTHING!!!. If they need to put you down, then obviously they have a fragile ego or like to remain in ignorance. How are either one of those two characteristics going to help improve your life?…..FOCUS on those who DO KNOW you, who want what is best for you and from whom you can learn. Focus on those who are upfront with you; who will tell you the good and the bad to your face, not those who talk behind your back or who are only there for the “good” times.
I decided to stop paying attention to people who only try to put me down directly or indirectly and my life started to change. I came to accept that one of the best ways for toxic people to protect themselves is either play victim when confronted or to remain absolutely silent. They hope their silence will be seen by others as being “above” what is being said; there are times when silence is best; however toxic people have learned to manipulate that skill in order not to take responsibility for their part or for all of their actions. Unfortunately many fall for such trick; as often lies are far more palatable and charismatic than cold hard truth. However, it matters not who believes them–people resonate with people for a reason, they will have their crowd and you will have yours. Why would you ever want to attract their crowd into you life? It would be the same as you choosing to hand over the whip so they may punish you.
Once I started to let go of the hypocritical or tyrannical people in my life, new experiences happened, new people entered my life. Looking back at some amazing times and people I’ve met; I would not have had that opportunity had I chose to remain focused on trying to get the approval of people who ultimately don’t approve of themselves. If they did approve of themselves they would not be looking for someone else to put down in order to feel better about who they are. People who don’t like you and want to put you down will continue to do so no matter what you try to do in order to show them who you are. It is in their nature to do so and only life can change their views. It is not your job to chase after people who have no time for you only than to mock you, gossip behind you back, harass you or put you down.
There is a beautiful Japanese story of a great Zen Master who was being put down by a man who liked to insult and abuse people. The Zen Master stood his ground and focused on the beauty around him. What did the Zen Master do?… He starved the man from whatever twisted delight he got from putting others down. Ultimately that story is a lesson of knowing when to be passive and when to stand your ground.
What I’m writing here is not something I just read on a book; it has been my personal experience to deal with people who like to play sick games (to the point of stalking) they like to put people down subtly and tell half ass versions of things…to what end?…simply for sick pleasure. Those type of people can either control you by the chaos they can bring to your life or you can control them and yourself by simply looking at their actions as that of very empty bitter souls.
There will be times when you find people who will try to justify the behavior of those who hurt you by masking it as pain; let me clarify something…. Pain happens to everyone of us; some to greater degrees than others; regardless, we all have gone through some level of pain or other. NO AMOUNT OF PAIN GIVES THE RIGHT FOR ANYONE TO BE SO VINDICTIVE AS TO TRY TO HURT OTHERS. NO AMOUNT OF PAIN IS EXCUSE FOR IGNORANT BEHAVIOR. MOREOVER NO AMOUNT OF PAIN GIVES ANYONE THE RIGHT TO TRY TO ABUSE YOU OR TO INVADE THE PRIVACY OF YOUR HOME! My grandfather used to say those who have known great amount of pain and have the intelligence to own up to their own mistakes (we all make mistakes) tend to not want to cause pain to others, yet there are those who may hit a twist on the road and blame such pain as a reason to hurt, violate, torture and condemn others–many times tipping the scale way to the other side.
In life you will encounter people who like to hurt others whether directly or with a smile; if you are anything like me, you will be totally blown for a bit–don’t let their actions control your life. Those type of people usually have an image to protect, that is why many times in public they will act nice towards you while their real intentions and actions are kept hidden from others. That is why it is important to learn to be cautious as to whom you surround yourself with…Be cautious; not close minded.…
I have psychologically taught myself when meeting new people to see them as a blank page. I don’t care what others have to say about that person because we all have made mistakes in life. There are no saints; as Freud said; the more perfect a person seems the darker the shadow. If a person chooses to offend me, hurt me or mistreat me, then I deal with it accordingly. Sometimes I might ignore it because of the level of their ignorance, other times however it’s time to be direct, first with words then with actions if needed. In the process however it is very important to recognize when the situation is worth your time and energy. You will find the more you get in touch with yourself, the less you care to fight but you will certainly stand up when needed …. that is what self respect is.
Sometimes it pays to remind yourself that time takes care of everything. Nothing can be hidden forever, no matter how secretive others may be on how they try to hurt you or your loved ones. Time will make sure to make them accountable for their B.S
Focus on those who love you. Those who love you won’t put you down. They won’t try to negotiate your acceptance. They can give you constructive criticism. They won’t hold their love and acceptance in exchange for you to do things the way they want you to. People who love you show you in actions they love you in good and bad times. Those are the people you need to focus on.
Another way to stop others from putting you down is to focus on your abilities. There is a great saying which reflects this perfectly…“THEY TOLD ME I COULDN’T, SO I DID”.
My wish for you is to learn to differentiate who your real friends and family are (Family isn’t always blood relatives and friends aren’t always the ones who smile in front of you–the concept of family and friends goes beyond such shallow concepts) It has taken me many years to learn this but it has become one of the greatest lessons I have come to learn.
These past few years have been a rollercoaster; working on healing tends to do that. More and more I have learned to embrace my talents and not let some of my past choices dictate who I am today. No one knows why I made certain choices and no one has the right to expect me to live apologizing or lowering my head for not always having lived life in the healthiest way.
I believe in a God force, not on a human judge. I live at peace because I believe God is more than a force who is there only for those who pay him visits once a week. I am metaphysical, so I believe everything happens as it was meant to; for a reason. The more life has challenged me the more my desire to embrace my talents. That is what each one of us needs to do. It will help you build true self esteem, it will help you succeed; as you succeed in life, more and more the people who used to put you down will start to vanish.
So focus on your success. Let me be clear when I speak of success I am not referring to only monetary success. Success to me is a fulfilling life. Success to me emanates from embracing your abilities, which usually leads to a balanced life, psychologically, physically, spiritually and economically.
So to summarize here are a couple of things to remember:
- Do not to go around maliciously trying to hurt others… Remember what it felt like to have others put you down. Do not be like those people who hurt you but stand up when needed. A very important thing to remember is those who put you down are really projecting their own insecurities; so is not as personal as you may think. Reminding myself of this has helped me to see it for what it is; it is their problem, not mine. They have an issue and rather than working on that issue, they try to put me down so as to avoid facing their own shortcomings.
2. Do what you love…Consume your time with the things you love. Focus on your abilities and you will get so much energy and joy that what others say or do will barely hit you. For me, I find my energy when I focus on those whom I love and who love me. I find my energy; although at times it may not feel like that; when I focus on healing and reclaiming myself. I find my energy when I am learning, writing and guiding; when I focus on these I am happy. It allows me to share my experiences with others, my life lessons, my mistakes; life takes a new meaning which provides me with energy. Energy which I then can use on doing the things I love with those I love-THAT is what makes life worthwhile and beautiful!.
Falcone Counseling Services 

At one point or another each one of us has had to deal with other people trying to put us down; what is the best way to handle it? First you have to understand the reason why others behave like that, then you can skill yourself on how to deal with it.
Let’s start by first making it very clear that whatever type of behavior others exhibit with you is not a reflection of who you are but rather a reflection of who they are. Keeping that in mind will help you not to take things too personally. I know its sounds simplistic and if you are anything like me, it might take you years to learn to accept this wisdom. In the past I used to take things too personally; over time I’ve discovered what others think about me has nothing to do with me…what changed? My perception!
Your perception; which is your focus; changes as you spend more time on your own self development. As you start embracing yourself, what others say or think about you becomes less important and less hurtful.
No one knows you better than you know yourself. Many of us are even struggling to fully understand and remember who we are at our core, so how can somebody else who cannot see inside of you, feel like you or act like you, understand or have any real idea of who you are? It’s not possible, therefore their judgements are nothing but “projections” at most.
In life you will encounter two different types of people who will try to put you down; those who do it overtly and those who try to be more subtle. Personally I rather deal with someone who is overt, that way at least I have a clear understanding of how they see me or feel about me. I have a tremendous dislike for those who try to hurt me subtly; I find such conduct one of cowardice. I have always respected directness; I may not always like it but life has taught me to value and respect it.
The first thing to do when others try to put you down is remind yourself that they are intimidated by you. If you didn’t intimidate them, if you were not important in their thoughts, they would not bother to try to put you down.
Let’s say you have a dream or a goal; you will encounter different types of people: Those who will support you, those who openly disagree with you, those who will try to mock you openly by ridiculing your dreams and the most toxic yet, the ones who are silent but their behavior towards you does all the talking.
I learned those who try put me down usually resent something about my choices, not me personally. My strong belief on my dreams seems to disturb those who feel I should either live victimizing myself for the abuse imposed on me or live apologizing for my life because of the mistakes I made; regardless of what they think, I choose to work on myself and on turning my dreams into reality. Those who like to see me fail obviously will have tremendous dislike at how I handle myself because by simply focusing on me, I am taking away from them one more excuse not to do that which they claim they wish they had; with that I am also stopping them from having one more person to bully. Unfortunately if life lesson’s made them bitter or sarcastic, they will try to make sure others become sarcastic or bitter about life as well. It matters not how much they may smile on the outside, those people know they are miserable and vindictive inside and rather than spend the time working on themselves, they pick someone else to pay the price for their own lack of introspection.
People who like to look down on others often deep down feel “less than”; they may seem as if they have good self esteem yet their need to try to hurt someone else only goes to show how fragile their real ego is. Self esteem is not the ability to socialize and be friendly towards everyone; always trying to “act” nice or “act” cool–healthy self esteem is not needing the approval of others; working to be the best you can be regardless of who likes and approves of it.
Another thing I am learning ;yet at times I forget; is not to tell someone else my dreams/goals until they’ve been reached. The only exception should be those who are very close to you, such as your spouse or kids.
I used to get super excited about an idea and I would talk openly about it; what it was, how I was going to achieve it, etc. Life has taught me that no matter how much you plan, sometimes your best plans will have to change or you will have to postpone them, yet those who like to put people down will simply relish those delays and may try to convince you and others to see such delays as failures.
I came to realize there is no pleasing some people. Some people will not be happy with my choices no matter what I do. If I had to quit or postpone something they acted displeased. If I achieved something they acted displeased–bottom line is this….their displeasure is not with me but with themselves; they just won’t admit to that. Deep inside they know the truth but it’s easier to point the finger or gossip about someone else. In my case they were intimidated because I had the balls to believe in myself, to not let my past or any set backs define me; that is a very scary thing to do in a world full of people seeking approval to define their self worth. My biggest advice to you is to remember to keep your dreams, goals and plans silent; however do not let your silence be confused with stupidity.
What to do in regarding your own personality–should you force yourself to create a superficial image in order to be pleasing and not have others put you down?…Hell NO!!!. People who want to put you down will find any reason to do so. No matter how much you may think changing yourself for their sake will please them; if they have made up their mind about who you are or who you should be; there will be no changing their mind. The only way they will change their mind is when and if they are ready to do so.
You have the responsibility to look at your own life and make sure to work on the things you still need to heal or to develop on. You also have the right to be yourself even if that self is different than most people out there. Personally I can come across as quirky, nervous, shy or depending on the situation others can perceive me as indifferent. In the past it caused me much heartache, I have learned through trial and error that is okay to be myself. I don’t need to pretend or force myself to be someone I am not in order for others to feel comfortable around me. I have learned when to ignore people’s ignorance and when to stand up for myself. Those who know me well are aware that although shy, I’m no doormat; those who don’t, quickly learn it. I respect the right everyone has to live their lives in whatever way they wish to, so long as their lives do not impose on mine–what I am advocating here is self respect. People who have self respect do not go looking for fights but also do not let others abuse them. I learned to say what is on my mind openly, politely yet directly. I also learned that no matter what, those who like to twists things will twist my words, their meaning or the tone when gossiping about me to others. The one thing I can do when I am made aware of such gossip is to remind myself not to let their ignorance and maliciousness get the best of me.
Another way to stop dealing with the hurt of others putting you down is to spend less time with them. It helps to learn to respond to your ability of choice; that is what is called responsibility. Why spend time with people who hurt you? A lot of times we complain about people putting us down yet we still choose to spend time with them. We give ourselves a lot of excuses on why we choose to be around them, why we choose to think about them, ultimately “paying” them more attention than they deserve.
Sadly a lot of times many of us like to focus on people who put us down, maybe because we indirectly believe we have the power to change those people. Let me ask you something, what makes them more valuable than you? NOTHING!!!. If they need to put you down, then obviously they have a fragile ego or like to remain in ignorance. How are either one of those two characteristics going to help improve your life?…..FOCUS on those who DO KNOW you, who want what is best for you and from whom you can learn. Focus on those who are upfront with you; who will tell you the good and the bad to your face, not those who talk behind your back or who are only there for the “good” times.
I decided to stop paying attention to people who only try to put me down directly or indirectly and my life started to change. I came to accept that one of the best ways for toxic people to protect themselves is either play victim when confronted or to remain absolutely silent. They hope their silence will be seen by others as being “above” what is being said; there are times when silence is best; however toxic people have learned to manipulate that skill in order not to take responsibility for their part or for all of their actions. Unfortunately many fall for such trick; as often lies are far more palatable and charismatic than cold hard truth. However, it matters not who believes them–people resonate with people for a reason, they will have their crowd and you will have yours. Why would you ever want to attract their crowd into you life? It would be the same as you choosing to hand over the whip so they may punish you.
Once I started to let go of the hypocritical or tyrannical people in my life, new experiences happened, new people entered my life. Looking back at some amazing times and people I’ve met; I would not have had that opportunity had I chose to remain focused on trying to get the approval of people who ultimately don’t approve of themselves. If they did approve of themselves they would not be looking for someone else to put down in order to feel better about who they are. People who don’t like you and want to put you down will continue to do so no matter what you try to do in order to show them who you are. It is in their nature to do so and only life can change their views. It is not your job to chase after people who have no time for you only than to mock you, gossip behind you back, harass you or put you down.
There is a beautiful Japanese story of a great Zen Master who was being put down by a man who liked to insult and abuse people. The Zen Master stood his ground and focused on the beauty around him. What did the Zen Master do?… He starved the man from whatever twisted delight he got from putting others down. Ultimately that story is a lesson of knowing when to be passive and when to stand your ground.
What I’m writing here is not something I just read on a book; it has been my personal experience to deal with people who like to play sick games (to the point of stalking) they like to put people down subtly and tell half ass versions of things…to what end?…simply for sick pleasure. Those type of people can either control you by the chaos they can bring to your life or you can control them and yourself by simply looking at their actions as that of very empty bitter souls.
There will be times when you find people who will try to justify the behavior of those who hurt you by masking it as pain; let me clarify something…. Pain happens to everyone of us; some to greater degrees than others; regardless, we all have gone through some level of pain or other. NO AMOUNT OF PAIN GIVES THE RIGHT FOR ANYONE TO BE SO VINDICTIVE AS TO TRY TO HURT OTHERS. NO AMOUNT OF PAIN IS EXCUSE FOR IGNORANT BEHAVIOR. MOREOVER NO AMOUNT OF PAIN GIVES ANYONE THE RIGHT TO TRY TO ABUSE YOU OR TO INVADE THE PRIVACY OF YOUR HOME! My grandfather used to say those who have known great amount of pain and have the intelligence to own up to their own mistakes (we all make mistakes) tend to not want to cause pain to others, yet there are those who may hit a twist on the road and blame such pain as a reason to hurt, violate, torture and condemn others–many times tipping the scale way to the other side.
In life you will encounter people who like to hurt others whether directly or with a smile; if you are anything like me, you will be totally blown for a bit–don’t let their actions control your life. Those type of people usually have an image to protect, that is why many times in public they will act nice towards you while their real intentions and actions are kept hidden from others. That is why it is important to learn to be cautious as to whom you surround yourself with…Be cautious; not close minded.…
I have psychologically taught myself when meeting new people to see them as a blank page. I don’t care what others have to say about that person because we all have made mistakes in life. There are no saints; as Freud said; the more perfect a person seems the darker the shadow. If a person chooses to offend me, hurt me or mistreat me, then I deal with it accordingly. Sometimes I might ignore it because of the level of their ignorance, other times however it’s time to be direct, first with words then with actions if needed. In the process however it is very important to recognize when the situation is worth your time and energy. You will find the more you get in touch with yourself, the less you care to fight but you will certainly stand up when needed …. that is what self respect is.
Sometimes it pays to remind yourself that time takes care of everything. Nothing can be hidden forever, no matter how secretive others may be on how they try to hurt you or your loved ones. Time will make sure to make them accountable for their B.S
Focus on those who love you. Those who love you won’t put you down. They won’t try to negotiate your acceptance. They can give you constructive criticism. They won’t hold their love and acceptance in exchange for you to do things the way they want you to. People who love you show you in actions they love you in good and bad times. Those are the people you need to focus on.
Another way to stop others from putting you down is to focus on your abilities. There is a great saying which reflects this perfectly…“THEY TOLD ME I COULDN’T, SO I DID”.
My wish for you is to learn to differentiate who your real friends and family are (Family isn’t always blood relatives and friends aren’t always the ones who smile in front of you–the concept of family and friends goes beyond such shallow concepts) It has taken me many years to learn this but it has become one of the greatest lessons I have come to learn.
These past few years have been a rollercoaster; working on healing tends to do that. More and more I have learned to embrace my talents and not let some of my past choices dictate who I am today. No one knows why I made certain choices and no one has the right to expect me to live apologizing or lowering my head for not always having lived life in the healthiest way.
I believe in a God force, not on a human judge. I live at peace because I believe God is more than a force who is there only for those who pay him visits once a week. I am metaphysical, so I believe everything happens as it was meant to; for a reason. The more life has challenged me the more my desire to embrace my talents. That is what each one of us needs to do. It will help you build true self esteem, it will help you succeed; as you succeed in life, more and more the people who used to put you down will start to vanish.
So focus on your success. Let me be clear when I speak of success I am not referring to only monetary success. Success to me is a fulfilling life. Success to me emanates from embracing your abilities, which usually leads to a balanced life, psychologically, physically, spiritually and economically.
So to summarize here are a couple of things to remember:
Do not to go around maliciously trying to hurt others… Remember what it felt like to have others put you down. Do not be like those people who hurt you but stand up when needed. A very important thing to remember is those who put you down are really projecting their own insecurities; so is not as personal as you may think. Reminding myself of this has helped me to see it for what it is; it is their problem, not mine. They have an issue and rather than working on that issue, they try to put me down so as to avoid facing their own shortcomings.
2. Do what you love…Consume your time with the things you love. Focus on your abilities and you will get so much energy and joy that what others say or do will barely hit you. For me, I find my energy when I focus on those whom I love and who love me. I find my energy; although at times it may not feel like that; when I focus on healing and reclaiming myself. I find my energy when I am learning, writing and guiding; when I focus on these I am happy. It allows me to share my experiences with others, my life lessons, my mistakes; life takes a new meaning which provides me with energy. Energy which I then can use on doing the things I love with those I love-THAT is what makes life worthwhile and beautiful!.
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U jednom ili drugom trenutku, svatko od nas morao se suočiti s drugim ljudima koji su nas pokušali spustiti; koji je najbolji način da se to riješi? Prvo morate shvatiti razlog zašto se drugi ponašaju tako, a zatim možete vještiti kako se nositi s tim.
Započnimo najprije jasnim ponašanjem da bez obzira na ponašanje koje drugi pokazuju s vama nije odraz onoga tko ste, već je odraz onoga tko su. Imajući to na umu pomoći će vam da stvari ne shvaćate previše osobno. Znam da zvuči pojednostavljeno i ako ste išta slični meni, možda će vam trebati godine da naučite kako prihvatiti ovu mudrost. U prošlosti sam stvari previše osobno shvaćao; s vremenom sam otkrio što drugi misle o meni nema nikakve veze sa mnom … što se promijenilo? Moja percepcija!
Vaša percepcija; koji je vaš fokus; mijenja se kako trošite više vremena na vlastiti samorazvoj. Kad počnete prigrliti sebe, ono što drugi kažu ili misle o vama postaje manje važno i manje povrijeđeno.
Nitko vas ne poznaje bolje od vas samih. Mnogi od nas se čak trude da u potpunosti razumiju i zapamte tko smo mi u srži, pa kako netko drugi koji ne može vidjeti u vama, osjećati se poput vas ili se ponašati poput vas, razumjeti ili imati bilo kakvu stvarnu predstavu o tome tko ste? To nije moguće, stoga njihove prosudbe nisu samo “projekcije”.
U životu ćete naići na dvije različite vrste ljudi koji će vas pokušati pogubiti; oni koji to rade otvoreno i oni koji pokušavaju biti suptilniji. Osobno se radije bavim nekim tko je otvoren, na taj način barem imam jasno razumijevanje kako me vide ili osjećaju prema meni. Izuzetno ne volim one koji me suptilno pokušavaju povrijediti; Takvo ponašanje smatram kukavičlukom. Oduvijek sam poštovao neposrednost; Možda mi se ne sviđa uvijek, ali život me naučio da ga cijenim i poštujem.
Prvo što morate učiniti kada vas drugi pokušaju spustiti je podsjetiti se da vas oni zastrašuju. Da ih niste zastrašili, ako niste bili važni u njihovim mislima, ne bi se trudili pokušati vas iznevjeriti.
Recimo da imate san ili cilj; naići ćete na različite tipove ljudi: one koji će vas podržati, one koji se otvoreno ne slažu s vama, one koji će vas pokušati otvoreno ismijavati ismijavanjem vaših snova i najotrovnije dosad, one koji šute, ali njihovo ponašanje prema vama čini svi govore.
Naučio sam da oni koji me pokušavaju iznevjeriti obično zamjeraju nešto o mojim izborima, a ne meni osobno. Čini se da moje snažno vjerovanje u moje snove uznemiruje one koji smatraju da bih se trebao živjeti viktimizirati zbog zlostavljanja koje sam nanio ili živjeti ispričavajući se za svoj život zbog pogrešaka koje sam učinio; bez obzira na to što misle, biram raditi na sebi i na tome da svoje snove pretvorim u stvarnost. Oni koji vole da me vide neuspjeh očito će imati ogromnu ne volju kako se nosim sa sobom, jer jednostavnim fokusiranjem na mene oduzimam im još jedan izgovor da ne rade ono za što tvrde da žele da imaju; s tim ih sprečavam i da još jednu osobu zlostavljaju. Nažalost, ako ih je životna lekcija učinila gorkim ili sarkastičnim, pokušat će osigurati da i drugi postanu sarkastični ili ogorčeni prema životu. Nije važno koliko se izvana mogu nasmiješiti, oni ljudi znaju da su iznutra jadni i osvetoljubivi, a umjesto da troše vrijeme radeći na sebi, odaberu nekoga tko će platiti cijenu za vlastiti nedostatak samopregleda.
Ljudi koji vole gledati prema drugima često se duboko osjećaju manje nego; oni se mogu činiti kao da imaju dobro samopoštovanje, ali njihova potreba da pokušaju nauditi nekom drugom samo će pokazati koliko je krhak njihov pravi ego. Samopoštovanje nije sposobnost druženja i biti prijateljski prema svima; uvijek pokušati „lijepo djelovati“ ili „djelovati“ cool – zdravo samopoštovanje ne treba odobrenje drugih; radeći na tome da budeš najbolji možeš biti bez obzira na to tko ga voli i odobrava.
Još nešto učim, ali ponekad zaboravim; je da nekom drugom ne kažem svoje snove / ciljeve dok nisu postignuti. Jedina iznimka trebaju biti oni koji su vam vrlo bliski, poput vašeg supružnika ili djece.
Nekad sam bio vrlo uzbuđen zbog neke ideje i otvoreno bih razgovarao o njoj; što je bilo, kako sam to postigao itd. Život me naučio da, bez obzira koliko planirali, ponekad će se vaši najbolji planovi morati promijeniti ili ćete ih morati odgoditi, a ipak oni koji vole spustiti ljude jednostavno će se svidjeti tim kašnjenjima i možda će pokušati uvjeriti vas i druge da takve odgode vide kao neuspjehe.
Shvatio sam da neki ljudi ne vole. Neki ljudi neće biti zadovoljni mojim odabirom bez obzira što radim. Ako bih morao prestati ili odgoditi nešto, ponašali bismo se nezadovoljno. Ako sam postigao nešto što se ponašalo nezadovoljno – suština je ovo … njihovo nezadovoljstvo nije sa mnom već sa sobom; jednostavno to neće priznati Duboko u sebi znaju istinu, ali lakše je usmjeriti prst ili tračati o nekom drugom. U mom slučaju bili su zastrašeni jer sam imao muda vjerovati u sebe, kako ne bih dopustio da me definira prošlost ili bilo koja postavljena leđa; to je vrlo zastrašujuća stvar u svijetu prepunom ljudi koji traže odobrenje da odrede svoju vrijednosti. Moj najveći savjet za vas je da se sjetite šutjeti svoje snove, ciljeve i planove; međutim, ne dozvolite da se vaša šutnja meša s glupošću.
Što treba učiniti u vezi sa vlastitom osobnošću – treba li se forsirati da stvorite površnu sliku kako biste bili ugodni i da vas drugi ne iznevjere?… Pakao NE !!! Ljudi koji vas žele iznevjeriti naći će bilo koji razlog za to. Bez obzira koliko mislite da ćete ih promijeniti, ugoditi će vam se; ako su se odlučili tko ste vi ili tko biste trebali biti; neće se mijenjati mišljenje. Jedini način na koji će se predomisliti jest kada i ako su spremni za to.
Imate odgovornost pogledati vlastiti život i osigurati da radite na stvarima koje još uvijek trebate liječiti ili razvijati. Imate i pravo na sebe, čak i ako je ono samo od sebe. Osobno mogu naići na čudan, nervozan, sramežljiv ili ovisno o situaciji koju drugi mogu shvatiti kao ravnodušnu. U prošlosti mi je to mnogo zadavalo, naučio sam kroz pokušaje i pogreške da je u redu biti ja. Ne trebam se pretvarati ili prisiljavati da budem netko tko nisam, da bi se drugi osjećali ugodno oko mene. Naučila sam kada treba zanemariti neznanje ljudi i kada se zalagati za sebe. Oni koji me dobro poznaju svjesni su da iako sam sramežljiv, nisam nikakav vratar; oni koji to nemaju, brzo to nauče. Poštujem pravo koje svako mora živjeti svoj život na koji god način želi, sve dok im se život ne nameće – ono što zagovaram je samopoštovanje. Ljudi koji imaju samopoštovanje ne idu u potragu za borbama, ali isto tako ne dopuštaju drugima da ih zlostavljaju. Naučila sam reći otvoreno, pristojno, ali izravno ono što mi pada na pamet. Također sam naučio da bez obzira na sve, oni koji vole izvrtati stvari izvrtat će moje riječi, njihovo značenje ili ton kad trače o meni drugima. Jedino što mogu učiniti kad me postanu svjesni takvih tračeva je podsjetiti se da ne dopuštam da me njihovo neznanje i zlonamjernost najbolje iskoriste.
Drugi način da se prestanete baviti povređivanjem drugih koji vas ostavljaju je provesti manje vremena s njima. To vam pomaže da naučite kako odgovarati na vaše sposobnosti izbora; to je ono što se zove odgovornost. Zašto provoditi vrijeme s ljudima koji su te povrijedili? Puno puta se žalimo zbog odlaganja ljudi, no ipak odlučujemo provoditi vrijeme s njima. Omogućujemo sebi puno izgovora zašto odlučujemo biti oko njih, zašto odlučujemo razmišljati o njima, naposljetku im „obraćajući“ više pažnje nego što zaslužuju.
Nažalost puno se puta od nas voli usredotočiti na ljude koji su nas iznevjerili, možda zato što neizravno vjerujemo da imamo moć promijeniti te ljude. Da te pitam nešto, što ih čini vrjednijima od tebe? NIŠTA!!!. Ako vas trebaju iznevjeriti, očito imaju krhki ego ili vole ostati u neznanju. Kako će vam bilo koja od ove dvije karakteristike pomoći poboljšati život? … .. FOKUS na one koji vas znaju, koji žele ono što je najbolje za vas i od kojih možete naučiti. Usredotočite se na one koji su vam prednjačili; koji će vam reći dobro i loše za vaše lice, a ne one koji vam govore iza leđa ili koji su tu samo za „dobra“ vremena.
Odlučio sam prestati obraćati pažnju na ljude koji me pokušavaju odbiti izravno ili neizravno i moj se život počeo mijenjati. Prihvatio sam da je jedan od najboljih načina da se toksični ljudi zaštite sebe ili igrati žrtvu u sukobu ili da apsolutno šuti. Nadaju se da će njihovu šutnju drugi vidjeti kao “iznad” onoga što se govori; postoje slučajevi kad je tišina najbolja; međutim toksični ljudi su naučili manipulirati tom vještinom kako ne bi preuzeli odgovornost za svoj dio ili za sve svoje postupke. Nažalost, mnogi padaju na takav trik; kao što su često laži daleko ukusnija i karizmatičnija od hladne tvrde istine. Međutim, nije važno tko im vjeruje – ljudi će rezonirati s ljudima s razlogom, oni će imati svoju gužvu, a vi ćete imati svoju. Zašto biste ikada poželjeli uvući njihovu mnoštvo u svoj život? Bilo bi isto kao što odlučite predati bič kako bi vas mogli kazniti.
Jednom kad sam u životu počeo prepustiti licemjerne ili tiranske ljude, dogodila su se nova iskustva, u moj život ušli novi ljudi. Osvrćući se na neka nevjerojatna vremena i ljude koje sam upoznao; Ne bih imao tu priliku da sam se odlučio fokusirati na pokušaj da dobijem odobrenje ljudi koji na kraju ne odobravaju sebe. Da su odobravali sebe, ne bi tražili nekoga koga bi mogli odbaciti kako bi se osjećali bolje tko su. Ljudi koji vas ne vole i žele vas iznevjeriti i dalje će to činiti bez obzira na to što pokušate učiniti kako biste im pokazali tko ste. U njihovoj je prirodi da to učine i samo život može promijeniti njihova stajališta. Nije vaš posao juriti za ljudima koji nemaju vremena samo za vas, nego vam se rugaju, tračevima iza vas, uznemiravaju vas ili iznevjere.
Postoji lijepa japanska priča o velikom zenskom majstoru kojeg je spuštao čovjek koji je volio vrijeđati i zlostavljati ljude. Zen majstor je stajao na tlu i usredotočio se na ljepotu oko sebe. Što je učinio Zen majstor? … Izgladnio je čovjeka iz bilo kakvog iskrivljenog uživanja što ga je sputavao. Konačno, ta je priča lekcija znati kada treba biti pasivan i kada stati na svoje mjesto.
Ono što pišem ovdje nije nešto što sam pročitao u knjizi; moje je osobno iskustvo baviti se ljudima koji vole igrati bolesne igrice (do točke praćenja) koje vole suptilno spustiti ljude i pričati verzije pola magarca … do čega? … jednostavno zbog bolesnog zadovoljstva. Ta vrsta ljudi može vas kontrolirati kaosom koji mogu unijeti u vaš život, ili možete kontrolirati njih i sebe jednostavnim gledanjem njihovih postupaka kao na vrlo prazne gorke duše.
Doći će vrijeme kada nađete ljude koji će pokušati opravdati ponašanje onih koji su vas povrijedili maskirajući ga kao bol; dopustite mi da pojasnim nešto … Bol se događa svima nama; neki u većoj mjeri od drugih; bez obzira, svi smo prošli kroz neku razinu boli ili drugu. NEMOĆA BOLINA NE DOSTAVLJA PRAVO ZA BILO KOJEG BUDE TAKO VINDIKTIVNO KAKO ISPITIVATI OSTALO HURT. BEZ IZNAJMLJIVANJA BOLESTI NIJE BILO ZA IGNORANTNO ponašanje. VIŠE NEMA BILO KOJIH BILJA DOŠAO SVAKO PRAVO TAKO DA DOSTIMO ZLOČITI ILI POZIVATI PRIVATNOST VAŠA DOMA! Moj djed je govorio da oni koji poznaju veliku količinu boli i imaju inteligenciju da se sami prisvoje svojih grešaka (svi radimo pogreške) obično ne žele nanijeti bol drugima, ali ima i onih koji mogu udariti ceste i okrivljuju takvu bol kao razlog da povrijede, zlostavljaju, muče i osuđuju druge – mnogo puta preusmjeravajući skalu na drugu stranu.
U životu ćete naići na ljude koji vole povrijediti druge bilo direktno ili sa smiješkom; ako ste išta poput mene, bit ćete potpuno ispuhani za malo – ne dajte da njihovi postupci kontroliraju vaš život. Ta vrsta ljudi obično ima imidž koji treba zaštititi, zato će se mnogo puta u javnosti lijepo ponašati prema vama, dok se njihove stvarne namjere i postupci skrivaju od drugih. Zato je važno naučiti biti oprezan s kime se okružite … Budite oprezni; nije blisko …
Psihološki sam učio kad susrećem nove ljude da ih vidim kao praznu stranicu. Nije me briga što drugi mogu reći o toj osobi jer smo svi u životu napravili pogreške. Nema svetaca; kao što je rekao Freud; savršenija se osoba čini tamnijom sjenom. Ako osoba odluči uvrijediti me, povrijediti ili zlostavljati, tada se prema tome suočim. Ponekad to mogu ignorirati zbog razine njihovog neznanja, a drugi put je vrijeme biti izravan, prvo riječima, a zatim postupcima ako je potrebno. Međutim, u tom je procesu vrlo važno prepoznati kada situacija vrijedi vašeg vremena i energije. Pronaći ćete više što ste u kontaktu sa sobom, manje se stanete boriti, ali sigurno ćete se uspraviti kad bude potrebno…. to je ono što samopoštovanje.
Ponekad se isplati podsjetiti sebe da vrijeme vodi računa o svemu. Ništa se ne može zauvijek sakriti, ma koliko tajni bili drugi o tome kako pokušavaju povrijediti vas ili vaše voljene. Vrijeme će osigurati da oni postanu odgovorni za svoje B.S
Usredotočite se na one koji vas vole. Oni koji te vole neće te iznevjeriti. Neće pokušati pregovarati o vašem prihvaćanju. Mogu vam dati konstruktivnu kritiku. Neće zadržati svoju ljubav i prihvaćanje u zamjenu za vas da radite stvari onako kako oni žele. Ljudi koji vas vole pokazuju vam u postupcima koji vas vole u dobrim i lošim vremenima. To su ljudi na koje se morate usredotočiti.
Drugi način da spriječite druge da vas iznevjere je da se usredotočite na svoje sposobnosti. Postoji sjajna izreka koja to savršeno odražava … “Rekli su mi da ne bih, tako sam rekao”.
Moja želja za vas je da naučite razlikovati tko su vaši pravi prijatelji i obitelj (Obitelj nije uvijek krvna rodbina, a prijatelji nisu uvijek oni koji se smješkaju pred vama – koncept obitelji i prijatelja nadilazi takve plitke koncepte ) Trebalo mi je mnogo godina da to naučim, ali to je postalo jedna od najvećih lekcija koje sam naučio.
Posljednjih nekoliko godina radili smo se na koturaljkama; rad na iscjeljivanju teži tome. Sve više i više naučio sam prihvaćati svoje talente i ne dopuštam da neki moji prošli izbori diktiraju tko sam danas. Nitko ne zna zašto sam donio određene odluke i nitko nema pravo očekivati da ću živjeti ispričavajući se ili spuštajući glavu jer nisam uvijek živio život na najzdraviji način.
Vjerujem u Božju silu, a ne u ljudskog suca. Živim u miru jer vjerujem da je Bog više nego sila koja postoji samo za one koji ga posjećuju jednom tjedno. Ja sam metafizički, pa vjerujem da se sve događa onako kako je trebalo; s razlogom. Što me je život više izazivao, to mi je veća želja da prigrlim svoje talente. To je ono što svatko od nas mora učiniti. Pomoći će vam izgraditi istinsko samopoštovanje, pomoći će vam da uspijete; kako uspijete u životu, sve više i više ljudi koji su vas oborili počet će nestajati.
Zato se usredotočite na svoj uspjeh. Budite jasni kad govorim o uspjehu, ne mislim samo na novčani uspjeh. Za mene je uspjeh ispunjenje života. Uspjeh za mene proizlazi iz prihvaćanja vaših sposobnosti, što obično vodi u uravnotežen život, psihološki, fizički, duhovno i ekonomski.
Dakle, ukratko ovdje treba upamtiti nekoliko stvari:
Nemojte zaobilaziti zlonamjerno pokušavajući povrijediti druge … Sjetite se kako je izgledalo da vas drugi iznevjere. Ne budite poput onih ljudi koji vas povređuju, ali ustanite kad je to potrebno. Vrlo važna stvar koju treba zapamtiti jesu oni koji su te iznevjerili doista projiciraju vlastite nesigurnosti; pa nije tako osobno kao što možda mislite. Podsjećanje na to pomoglo mi je da shvatim ono što jest; to je njihov problem, a ne moj. Oni imaju problem, i umjesto da rade na tom pitanju, pokušavaju me riješiti tako da se ne suočim sa vlastitim nedostacima.
2. Bavite se onim što volite … Provedite svoje vrijeme sa stvarima koje volite. Usredotočite se na svoje sposobnosti i dobit ćete toliko energije i radosti da vas ono što drugi kažu ili učine jedva pogodi. Za mene svoju energiju pronalazim kad se usredotočim na one koje volim i koji me vole. Pronalazim svoju energiju; iako se to ponekad ne može osjećati tako; kad se usredotočim na ozdravljenje i povrat na sebe. Svoju energiju pronalazim kad učim, pišem i vodim; kad se usredotočim na ove, sretan sam. Omogućuje mi da dijelim svoja iskustva s drugima, svoje životne lekcije, svoje pogreške; život poprima novi smisao koji mi pruža energiju. Energija koju tada mogu iskoristiti radeći stvari koje volim s onima koje volim – TO je ono što život čini vrijednim i lijepim !.
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