Pedophilia: The Scars Don’t Vanish

Anyone who is familiar with my writings or follows me on social media knows by now how outspoken I am regarding abuse and its consequences. On my articles and postings, I have been open about my history with physiological and pychological abuse (physical abuse, mental abuse, and having survived terrorism and its horrors). Although I have written extensively on the various aspects related with physiological and psychological trauma, today I would like to focus on Pedophilia.

Many to this day feel uncomfortable with this subject; more often than not people like to believe themselves defenders of the innocent yet coward at the idea of having to stand up and openly defend the innocent, which has led victims of abuse to often take their lives; they could no longer watch the perpetrators live freely while they were forced to be quiet, otherwise they were causing “Drama”.

Drama? has our society become so callous and so superficial as to reward “fake niceties” and the modern “delusional school of fake positivism”; where if you don’t look at something it doesn’t exist; instead of standing up and protecting those wo need it most? Are we so superficial to think that posting “niceties” or simply donating to “charities” makes us any less responsible for choosing to promote a society that is eager to turn a blind eye to anything that is not “Positive”? A society that would rather recite quotes from “holy books” but refuses to actually take the necessary actions and make the necessary changes to make our world a better world; I guess it’s enough to simply take action on causes which are less “embarrassing” and distant to one’s own life so as to tell ourselves that we are “good” people yet when presented with subjects often considered “taboo” but which are very much real and which affect millions; subjects often close to home; most choose to turn away or to tell the victims of atrocities to simply “forgive” meaning “be silent, for I don’t want to hear more about this as it makes me uncomfortable. But hey, I believe myself a warrior for change just show me where I am to donate but let’s not talk about it”

This article was not my pick for today; however, it was brought forth by events which took place yesterday. Yesterday as I was working on preparing myself for an interview and mentally going over my outline for what was supposed to be my next article (which had nothing to do with this subject) someone from my past; one of my perpetrators; chose to contact me and my nuclear family. I will not got into details about the sick behavior he exposed yesterday, needless to say it caught me off guard, it triggered me, shaking me to my foundation. For a moment I felt as if all the pain and fear caused by the abuse imposed by him and others was back. I felt physically sick, my head spinning and it took me a while to compose myself.

My abuse started at the age of 5 and was repetitive until the age of 15; after he contacted us, I wanted to scream and cry yet felt as if I was mute but my body couldn’t stop shaking. Was this really happening? Could a monster covered in human skin be reaching out to me again as if nothing had happened? At that moment I wished with all of me for time to unfold the way I so often played it in my mind… If I had the power to take myself as I am now back in time, I would contact the little girl I once was, the young adolescent who was being raped and beaten time and time again– I would do so in a heartbeat. I would take her into my custody, I would tell her she did not need to tell me what had happened for I knew it all, and I would make sure to send those monsters behind bars….but I can’t change time and while it has taken me many years to find myself, to choose not to be silent, to choose to be a voice for so many who everyday confide in me the horrors imposed–my scars are still there. The repercussions of their monstrosities are still there….

I write and speak on the subject not to be a “victim” nor to bring “drama” to your “perfectly positive resonating world”, I do it because although I cannot change the past, I have been at the edge of taking my life and have seen others do so for similar reasons and I refuse to let their lives, the reasons why they are no longer here with us to be swept under the carpet. I refuse to provide the breeding ground for “monsters” whom I won’t call “animals” because frankly that would be insulting to animals who are much loving and compassionate than many who called themselves “human”–an animal if it takes a life is to defend itself or to feed, not for sick pleasure.

Pedophilia; rape; is the killing of a child’s spirit, the murdering of his or her innocence…it’s the creation of zombies who walk around feeling death while being alive–imagine the torture. It is for them I am writing this today, for the victims who everyday struggle to leave that terminology behind by working on healing, on rebuilding themselves, on becoming their own warriors…they are the ones who deserve our compassion; not our pity. They are the ones who should be encouraged to release their emotions so as to start the healing process. They are the ones who should be cheered on and who should be applauded; for it is often them who are the ones who mainly stand up against such monstrosities so as to prevent other innocents from going through that. They do it, often being ridiculed, gossiped about, put down, ostracized, etc–yet I know in them lies a fire which was not extinguished, a light which still shines on and a warrior ready for battle if needed to. You can choose to read this or not, it does not absolve you or your responsibility to life and your contribution to it–at the end what will give meaning to your life aren’t your fancy toys, or your niceties, or your diplomatic (hypocritical) behavior–all that will matter is your legacy.

There is no single profile of victims of sexual abuse, although in a study with abusers all agree that they are looking for the most vulnerable, defenseless, unprotected victims … Those are the children with the greatest risk factor

It is also true there is no exact “profile” for perpetrators. The “profile” can be applied to all social, economical and cultural classes (This is something, Freud tried to teach however he was forced to change his story, and his teachings were twisted and misconstrued in order to discreted his previous work and research–such work was forgotten and pushed to the back of obscure shelves). Freud’s observation is corralated by numbers given in treatment clinics where most victims belong to families of middle and upper clase. One thing is certain however, most abuse is committed by “men” (82%). This in no way is a condemnation of real MEN; the percentage is not a reflection of the male population rather is a reflection of the number within abusers which means the other 18% are women. Abuse is often imposed on girls, however on recent decades the number of boys being abused has gone up; this may be due to the fact that most boys used to be raised with the false belief that speaking out loud of the abuse made them less of a “male”– “boys don’t cry”–such attitude only added to the suffering imposed by perpetrators creatinf the perfect ground for pedophiles to continue acting out their sick fantasies.

“A very high percentage are people with social prestige. They are able to continue with their usual relationships without anyone suspecting anything as they appear apparently normal, socially integrated adults who often develop important interpersonal skills and maintain a normal sexual life”

Association against child abuse

A pedophile is an adult person who sustains a sexual orientation towards children, generally aged 13 or under. Not all pedophiles are child molesters; which are Pedophiles who act out on their desires, however studies have shown most pedophiles end up acting out on their desires.

In last years we have seen more and more a rise on Pedophiles wanting to “normalize” their behavior and simply be considered no different than let’s say Gay or Lesbians. The pure fact that such atrocious attitude has been presented for authorities to consider is a sign of how badly our society has blurred the lines between being “accepting” vs “dismissing”.

More and more we don’t like to say “NO” because then we are being “difficult” or “Judgmental”–more and more our society is losing sight of real core values and made to feel guilty over just about anything to the point that people are more and more confused on what is “right” and “wrong” and of course pedophiles hide behind the statement “right and wrong is based on individual perception”. I am sorry to remind all that I agree with such statement; everyone of us has our own perceptions on things/events; but just like calling something potatoe or potato doesn’t change the undeniable fact that it is still a vegetable and part of the Solanaceace family, or just like a gray wall may be described as a particular shade of gray yet it does not change the fact that regardless of the shade it remains a gray wall–that is an undeniable; changing the terminology for pedophiles does not change what they do.

The more we erode at our foundations in the name of being “good and accepting” the more we compartmentalize; in other words we become unconnected, psychological nonintegrated ( usually compartmentalizing was the result of Trauma, now is more the result of an overwhelming media which pushes so many different ideas of what it means to be accepting and good)

Pedophiles who act out on their impulses are not as small a number as we are led to believe and they are much more dangerous than someone who has Pedophiliac attitudes due to trauma. Pedophiles due to trauma are a small number who tend to expose shame and regret at their desires, often seeking to hurt themselves rather than a child or who seek chemical castration. That small group is definitely much different than a Pedophile who hides behind “traumas lived turned me into this” yet studies have shown the second group is one which shows no remorse, at a physiological level their brain is wired differently (it exposes all traits of a psychopath).

“The second group is pretty much impossible to treat and therefore their actions are not something they are willing to give up”

Statistics show that most child abuse happens within the family or by people close to it–45% within a family, 15% friend or acquaintance (in this secenario it happens more often because children are so dependent of family and trusting of all family friends) and 40% by strangers (this usually happens on most children who are left abandoned or have famillies who don’t care to leave them unattended or families who turn a blind eye to the stranger’s “particular behavior” in exchange for something back (usually economical, status/advancement or popularity). Most of the abuse is imposed on victims age 3 to 8 years old. When it comes to trying the guilty, almost 100% of the abusers deny the facts unless they really believe they will get a much lenient sentence if they sign up for therapy.

THE AFTERMATH OF THE VICTIM: The aftermath of the victim’s Sexual Abuse is so “aggressive” and so “perverse” that all areas of the personality are affected:

The first one is sexuality. Determining the damage and the degree to which it occurs depends on various variables. It can range from highly inhibited and repressed sexuality to compulsive sexual behaviors that lead to promiscuity or even prostitution. The latter “is related in a very high way to experiences of abuse in childhood” says Chartered Psychologist Beazley Richards who specializes on child abuse.

On a cognitive and emotional level, it affects everything that has to do with thoughts and attention span: difficulty in relating, extreme fear, tantrums, mood swings. It also causes post-traumatic stress and dissociative identity disorders. (Carry and Butter 1995)

Spiritually. It fragments the soul while detaching one from the spirit. Gimel Rogers, psychologist, said the following: Childhood abuse usually affects people’s spiritual lives in one of two ways. They either move towards spirituality, viewing God or another higher power as their protector, healer and restorer — or they move away from it, feeling condemned and judged by God, religious people or institutions. More often than not those who do not confront the trauma and use religion as a shield tend to become judgmental and demeaning of anyone else “if I don’t want to heal myself why should you”. On the other hand those who become outspoken and who fight against their abuse, after seeking therapy tend develop a deeper connection with God, one that is organic and based on reality. More often than not, these people become healers to others who may have also experienced abuse.

When somebody experiences trauma, it’s how they view the world and their sense of self that will impact their healing process. It really boils down to the individual person and their upbringing. Usually people who have experience sexual molestations tend to belong to the first category while those who survived sexual abuse tend to identify more with the second.

Gimel Rogers

SAY IT OUT LOUD/ FIND YOUR VOICE A MUST IN ORDER TO MOVE ON: The first step that must be taken to overcome sexual abuse is to reveal it and acknowledge it, as silence maintains the symptoms.

“You get stuck and it increases the guilt, responsibility or even shame that you might have liked it. It’s very perverse. The victims feel guilty for not having defended themselves or for not asking for help, even because they “liked it” as their body may have responded; this often tends to be the case with boys, which is why they tend not label what happened to them as abuse.

When it comes to overcoming the aftermath, various factors can influence it. On the one hand, the age at which the abuse started, as well as the frequency and intensity. The more intense and frequent the abuse the more severe the repercussions which is why victims who dissociate or suffer extreme PTSD are less likely to ever lead a “normal” life. We need to value their strength instead of judging them as freaks, abnormal, needy etc. If your grandfather had survived WWII would you use those names on him? It’s time we educate ourselves on what Trauma really is. Children survivors of Sexual Abuse are soldiers who survived a war, they should be celebrated not made to feel shame; not all scars show on the outside. If we focus on helping victims find their voice the results can be spectacular, however the scars remain for life.

Dr. Noguerol; Psychiatrist

MYTHS AND REALITIES INVOLVING CHILD ABUSE AND PHEDOPHILIA:

Child sexual abuse doesn’t happen often————20% of the general population suffered sexual abuse.

There is more abuse today than in the past——more cases are talked about today, however it has always been present.

If my child was being abused I would know. He or she is just imagining things——Children rarely make up stories about abuse. Sexual abuse can happen without being discovered; the abuse can go totally unnoticed.

Incest and sexual abuse within a family only occurs in unstructured families or of low socio-cultural level——–sexual abuse occurs in all types of families, regardless of their economic, social, or cultural status.

Child sexual abuse involves submission through physical violence—— The aggressor uses trust and manipulates the victim (a minor) with deceit and threats.

Abuses are exclusively committed by men———- Although most of the time they are men, those committed by women almost never come to light.

The aggressor is a mentally disturbed person, a psychiatric patient or with a psychological maladjustment———-Not all abusers are proven pedophiles, their actions can respond to a need to feel powerful. It can be anyone.

Uninvolved family members will report abuse when they detect it———On many occasions the mother or other relatives know about the abuse, but do not report it out of fear or “tainting” their reputation.

Minors are guilty of what happened for not dressing “appropriately” or for not reporting it——–Minors have no ability to avoid predators. Children cannot seduce adults. They are children coerced by adults; it is the adults who must protect them.

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The guilt and shame felt by the victim prevent most cases from coming to light, but dealing with the problem is vital to recovery. This is why I chose to write today, not just for me but for all those who have suffered. I hope you find your voice. Write a letter to your abuser (s) if only to release your emotions. Here is mine:

A single time is enough to kill the beauty and innocence of a child and you and I know that there were many times and for a long time. You locked the young me in guilt and rejection, and now finally, after years of skilled therapies and more than one suicide attempt and a childhood and adolescence full of self-harm, I learned and accepted that the key to my freedom is to denounce you. I may not be able to go back in time and see you rot in jail. Even if someone had stood up, even if “justice” were to have complied, what would have been the worst that could have happened to you? Be sent to jail for a ‘little time’? Of course, you in jail living “quietly” while I struggled to forget, to be normal, to try to be “like everyone else”.

It was hard for me to tell what was happening to me and why it was happening; I blamed myself–What I did or didn’t do–trying to understand why you felt I “asked for it”. As an adult it was hard for me to understand why I was so “messed up”, trying to ran away from the nightmares which haunted me every night. I cried to a God asking to take my life while I hid in my room from those who loved me and needed me the most; until seeing their young faces forced me to make a choice. I realized if I left this plane of life what would be of them? who would protect them from monsters like you? I realized nothing they could do would ever deserve what you did to me–everything began to make sense. I began to accept I will never be “normal”, I will always battle between my desire to be part of life and my antisocial behavior. Having isolated myself for so long, hiding in shame, pretending to be okay I came to trust and enjoy my solitude. Days at home in silence accepting that you took my ability to trust others, you contributed to my low self esteem and the accepting of others’ left overs as “love”. My introversion, my depressive moments were a reminder of what you did to me, until one day looking at the young faces of my children I vowed that no matter how “crazy” you may label me in order to hide your atrocities, no matter how weird and afraid I feel at times, I would work on healing myself so my children could have a mother not a phantom.

I would work each and everyday; I would study and learn and then I would teach and write. I wrote even when others laughed at me, I wrote and study even after I kept giving up. I allowed myself to open up for once to someone while life fueled my desire to help others like me. I don’t owe you anything, I hope you rot in hell for the the hell you put me through. I will keep on going, finding my voice, healing, speaking up; even when afraid; for I am alive–I survived you and for those like me I will stand. You may mock me, laugh at me, lie about me, tell half truths, call me names and try to intimidate me but you will not knock me down. Everything I am I owe to life, to the divine spark within and to those few who have loved me through it all…..you are nothing but a waste of breath, parasites, predators and I will fight against you and those like you until the day I die.

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You may think writing a letter will not change anything; it cannot change the past, but I urge to release the anger and the hurt for you are too precious to be walking around surviving–YOU who have known pain, deserve to live.

Your triggers may always be your triggers but you can still do meaningful things with your life. You can reach for your dreams, you deserve to. Maybe you choose to become a healer, maybe you choose to simply make others aware of the “dark” aspects of life while focusing on simply healing–whatever you choose, while you are here you owe it to yourself, to your inner child to breathe again.