I Stood Up

Rough copy...The title for this poem came from Emily Dickinson's poem "It was not fear, for I stood up" --a poem on depression which has helped me through my ow dark times. 

I can feel it coming...
That familiar heavy feeling...
Enclosed within the walls of this room
There is only silence and the fast beating of my heart

I can feel strength leaving me
My body starts to shake
The haunting memories threatening to surface 
I fight with all my might 
Yet I know to fight is futile

I can't stand the pain rushing forth
I feel paralyzed by it
Yet within, I find the strength to stand

My sorrowful face reflected in the mirror in front of me
All I can see, is the face of the one long forgotten
Little by little, my spirit feels as if it's crumbling

Like a leaf that falls slowly from the autumn tree
My knees feel weak and they give in,
The memories now free to display themselves
Heart wrenching sobs emanate

Is there reason to live like this?
Should I go on?
Could I?
Does my life matter at all?
Does it not?
Round and round the questions go...

I can feel tears roll down my cheeks
I am now curl up like a child in its mother's womb
Even my bones hurt, 
I scream in silence until I can no longer breathe
I can feel the anger rise from within

I can see her distressed face
Her desperate cries
No one cared to listen
No one was there to help her stand

My body defeated against the cold ground
My sweat is my blanket 
Confusion my only companion

Suddenly I let my spirit guide me
I release control and let life take the driver's seat
My lips open to let out sweet humming
I picture "her" in my mind
I am with her, holding her tight

Tears rush forth once more
This time pain and regret are no more
They are tears of release, of letting go

I hold myself tightly 
Giving myself the love I was denied
Hums turn to lyrics, I have found my voice once more

Finally I find the strength to get back up
I look at my reflection one more time
I can see hope and determination looking back

Maybe I needed this to release the pain 
Another piece reclaimed from my broken past
I made room within my heart
Magick is restored within my spirit
Peace takes over my mind

I remember why here I stand
I am air
I am fire
I am earth
And I am water
I am the phoenix rising back

The eyes looking back are no longer frightened
The woman has won the child
The long forgotten companion is looking back
Her eyes seem to say "Finally...there you are". 

Sofia E. Falcone