Reflections: Desire

The word alone makes my knees weak, my mouth salivate and my spirit soar….Oh, but you probably think I am only talking about sex, it seems that is the first thing that comes forth when someone says “desire”.

The dictionary defines it as “longing to satiate”, “a strong feeling of wanting to have something”–well then, in that case, I live in desire. I desire each and every day for little and big cravings of the soul; what can I say? I am in love with life and I like letting life make love to me.

By now, probably many of you are confused…the idea of life making love to us as individuals, sadly is a foreign one, but to artists, rebels, survivors, warriors, free thinkers, poets, philosophers and those whose spirit truly aims to live beyond the borders of convention….what I am saying, makes total sense. They understand the constant feeling of sweet desire; unlike the empty animal lust most think of when utilizing the word. There is a saying “one cannot desire what one never experienced”, I guess that is why most people can’t comprehend the type of beautiful, loving, sensual desire life offers each and everyday despite its hurdles and pains. But is it true most people haven’t experience it? or have they just forgotten?….like the veil we are covered with each time we are reborn; after all… children, teenagers, idealists, understand life’s desire quite well–to them, it is instinctual…and few get to preserve it. It doesn’t just happen, there is a price to pay for it….not fitting in within a conventional box or paradigm. You learn to live intensely, to feel intensely–good and bad. Is fitting in really worth giving up the greatest aphrodisiac of life?…

We live confusing self destruction with “free spirited”, yet self destruction is anything but free….one is nothing but a slave to the vice, cover up as rebellion. Others may run to the other extreme, hoping to claim themselves as “proper”, “responsible”; confusing maturity with sarcastic, bitter personalities, who often use their sense of “maturity” to cover up unhealed wounds and perhaps the deep longing to once more “feel” life…to make love to it, to succumb to its arms as it engulfs you in its sweet yet unpredictable dance.

After years of so many outside voices that do their best to confuse us and make us forget our essence, we often forget who we are. Voices ready to indoctrinate our minds, telling us what we should or should not do, think, feel…mask after mask picked by us hoping to cover our pain. After a while, we no longer care which mask it is, as long as it “looks” pretty on the outside.

I remember when I too gave up; it would happen at intervals; the pain felt like too much, the indoctrination too heavy, and I felt that fighting for the beauty of my free spirit wasn’t worth it. I too succumbed to the world’s idea of “success”; although to the external world, I was “making it”, I would each day face myself on the mirror and see an imposter. I would look at someone who couldn’t feel, only think; someone who wanted to ran away as far as possible from the horrors, mistakes and disappointments of the past…I was losing my humanity. I had to lose my “achievements” and myself, in order to start reclaiming self. Thankfully but through very painful experiences, life woke me up again. I came to realize the pain it brought….the immense sadness…it wasn’t punishment; life had tried and tried to wake me up in gentler ways to help me reclaim my spirit, to fight for it; I was too deaf, too tired, too cowardly to realize it…until I did….in some areas, I am still trying but that is part of life’s journey.

I am a gypsy soul, a mystic, a wonderer; I always felt happier discovering things, learning the why and the how behind the what. I love submerging myself in new things and experiences–perhaps in doing so I feel closer to those I loved; like some of my grandparents who are no longer here–people who were adventurous and hard to define…unforgettable.

I love travelling; perhaps in and effort get close to my father. As a young girl who grew up from home to home and new school after new school; due to the constant need to move; I would watch my father leave due to his work and other reasons–sometimes it would be months before I saw him again. Sometimes due to her anger and her own pain, my mother would tell me “who knows if you will ever see your father again, or if he is even alive”. I would cry silently, praying for my father to make it safely back to me. Then, out of nowhere he would show up at my school; imagining what he had gone through, to me he was invincible…a super hero. He would tell me stories of his whereabouts, always an adventure. Later in life, I would come to understand his stories where his way of escaping the reality of his life, the things he was doing and the things he wished he could do…offering me the “rosy” side of life. Oh, there would come times when he would teach me about the other side of life, but it wasn’t really necessary….I could tell by how life was unfolding around us. Later in life, I would come to discover other layers to my father…layers which also impacted my life.

And so I feel as if I have always understood life’ desire, even when I tried denying it. I like to travel and meet new people, not just like a tourist. I like to submerge myself in the culture; close enough to embrace their soul. Life’s desire opens up your every fiber, waking you up to your own humanity…the good and bad…waking you up to new ways of looking at things, new concepts…new horizons.

I feel the desire of sweet love because I have tasted it, the purest of loves; perhaps that is why I know how to give it or maybe is because I didn’t feel enough of it. Whatever little I got, I cherished it, and so in my own hunger for it, my spirit won’t let me give up. I offer whatever little or lot I have. I dream of it, I think of it…the eternal mirage…or is it? I feel it in every way… I feel it in a hug. I find it within a genuine smile. I find it within the arms of those who love me and those whom I love. In the deep embrace of a lover or the mirage of it. I feel it as I compose poetry or when I am doing something I want to do and love.

I feel life’s desire when I dance. I remember times when I headed to clubs simply to enjoy the feeling of my body moving…intoxicating. There were times I would go alone, I wasn’t looking for a superficial good time, I just wanted to dance. I could feel people looking at me as I sat alone, enjoying a bitter sweet drink before I headed to the dance floor. I would close my eyes and simply dance. When I felt my desire satisfied, I would open my eyes, ready to head out; sometimes there would be one or more people dancing around me…I didn’t care as long as they didn’t touch me; I had satisfied my desire–perhaps they had too. Perhaps, they allowed themselves to do something; which had I not had the courage to do so “shamelessly”; they may not have had the courage to do themselves….simply dance and be–I like to think so.

I feel life’s desire for sensuality when I swim naked or when I am submerged in my bath, enjoying the oils and bubbles as I gently play with them. Or when I succumb to meditation, while I change my breathing, losing myself as I admire the flame of the candle…I imagine its warmth, the way the flame seems to dance….so alluring.

I feel life’s desire within a deeply raw or intellectual conversation…awakening my curisioty…intoxicating.

I feel life’s desire for adventure as I ride a horse. I felt it whenever my uncle would teach me how to tame them. Better yet, riding bulls!

I feel life’s desire for divinity within each orgasm, as I let myself go and not aim but reach the stars!

Each desire is preceded by a feeling, sometimes the feeling can originate from joy and happiness, other times it may come from pain; unhealed wounds or triggers; either way, that feeling is life.

We were born with life’s desire, and maybe we have to lose ourselves a bit more in order to find ourselves. I don’t have the answers and that is okay. Your path is uniquely yours, I cannot walk it for you. My path is not yours to walk and I have no desire to copy yours; after all, isn’t the point to dare experience our own unique path? realizing we are light and darkness, sinners and saints, and that to be responsible is to stop lying to ourselves about how unholy or how holly we are….and simply enjoy the ride.

Let us cry when we feel we need to, and by God laugh when you feel like it… laugh until your belly aches, because life is but moments and this life but a dream. I aim to beautifully enjoy this dream as I experience both sides of life; hoping one day to feel each of life’s desires–there are so many, and whether painful or joyous, they are all nourishment to the soul.

When I am ready to go, I hope to look at my kids and say….“I may not have been perfect, but by God I experienced life despite my wounds. My advice to you… LIVE. Dare to live even more than I did; that’s how you take the world by a storm, that’s how you challenge the system, that is how you inspire and grow…and that is what will make your life and you truly unforgettable”