Absence, the dictionary describes it as “the state of being away from a place or a person”, “an occasion or period of being away from a person”, “the nonexistent or lack of”; today I reflect on absence as a whole, the bittersweet moment of wanting to be and not being….
People at times fear solitude yet this leads to necessary moments of introspection; of absence from the conscious into the subconscious. Absence creates the necessary space for our shadow to come to light, giving us a chance to embrace it. Absence creates the perfect moment to unburden the soul, the mind, the body, helping us heal any and all impairments, if only we are willing to acknowledge absence during those bittersweet moments.
Sometimes I look at you with a bit of irony, for at times within your presence and the absence of that which I want, you have torn my soul, ripped at my conscious mind, cause pain to my already wounded heart, and let me drown in a sea of tears…through it all, at those times I’ve learned to survive…I have learn from my absences….
Absences from dreams, places, people…absence from myself; at times not knowing who or what I am, or how to even begin to explain my spirit to my heart, my body, my mind.
Absence from loved ones who no longer walk this plane of earth. Absence from the girl who used to dream of a world where the heart of people reflected the kindness of their spirit and the strength of their courage. Absence from sweet moments long gone and the sadness which rises within, only for new wonderful moments to arrive; in blissful delusion we believe the moment will last forever, only to discover one day, you my dear absence will come swiftly and make your presence known.
As one sits with you, you listen like a trusted confidant, ready to push us forward to the next moment of life…watching us fall into elation all over again, knowing eventually you will be back; upon your return there is nothing left but to give a melancholy sigh, the past is gone and the moment to rescue even a part of it will not come back. Sometimes, the discovery of such truth, brings joy instead; a recognition that the pain that was isn’t here to cause more damage, the war is over….and so my dear absence, you stand side by side with hope…hope for new beginnings, for new tomorrows. Hope that one day within a sweet moment of absence, we will look at ourselves, and see someone a little bit stronger, wiser, more healed. Pain and pleasure, such is your curse and your gift…
Moments of absence in which I stood by the ocean, or lay on my bathtub contemplating memories full of love and joy, and moments I would rather forget. Moments of absence in which I have wondered if someone else is thinking the same….if they can hear my thoughts, and reach out…just maybe then we can feel a bit more human, a bit more complete.
Moments in which I contemplate the world, its histories, its people, how far we have come and yet how little we have learned; we are stubborn creatures, full of false pride and anger…living within a system that feeds these by forcing us to look out, to suppress our emotions as if that will cure us– knowing it will only make things worst–a Band-Aid to deep and powerful wounds. For wounded we are, human we are; how then are we expected to robotically live? to suppress what is natural?…no better than a damn could hold a tsunami…but yet we refuse to flow. There are also moments where I can contemplate on the strength and love of people’s spirits, who despite it all, keep on believing in the power they hold within…knowing if only by touching one life, this world heals just a bit more each day.
Absence, pain and pleasure you are…ethereal, rare and strange. What else can I do but to leave time to you. Time, your other companion…for in time wounds will heal some more, a spirit gets stronger, and the sweet fire that you my dear absence bring, shall light the path once more. I do not want to deny the past, for in it lie not just painful memories, but memories of love, hope, strength, rebirth and beautiful lessons which have forever impacted my life. Although at this moment I can feel your arms wrapped around me, I want to say thank you and to life “I am here…find me”.