Tonight was a mix of sadness and joy, nightmares and dreams. I woke up as the nightingale was singing and the earth below us broke in two; no matter how much I tried to hold on to your hand, soon you were gone and I was left behind. I woke feeling cold from my own sweat, tired yet wide awake. The clock said 3:45..it has been long a time since one of those dreams woke me….bittersweet.
After a warm shower, I sit by the window looking at my favorite tree. The images keep flashing by; part of me wants it to end, part of me doesn’t want them to stop. In this life I have lost many loved ones, but losing you was one of the moments that marked my life the most; I lost you to a dark monstrous battle; no matter how much I wish you I could will you back to life, you are still gone and I still mourn.
You left without warning, I had no time to prepare…oh but your departure taught me life is but moments. My dear M. despite life’s blows we were innocent and wild, intense from the start; without you here, life can be hard. I feel you whenever I dance, in a kiss, a hug, the smile of sweet soul passing by. I feel you whenever I let go and give myself to the intensity of the moment….more than a friend, we were sisters by choice–damn them for taking you from me.
I can’t bring myself to write your name, you are just too precious to share; wherever you are, I know you know this letter is for you….at least now you are free.
You understood my silence and helped me find my voice, which once more became silent when I lost you. For so long, I could not bring myself to speak about you, about the past…all I could do was seek hell, yet death would not take me; instead it engulfed me by taking those most dear to me. Are they with you? Do you hear me as I speak? Sometimes I feel you near, I feel your love and your strength.
I have written so many letters to you…about my sadness, my heartbreaks, my joys and triumphs; as the ink takes shape on the paper, my eyes can’t help but filled with tears; salty spring showers gently fall….one after another…me unable to stop them. Sobs mixed with laughter, pain and joy–the pain of accepting you are no longer here. Joy at knowing what we shared was unbreakable….not even time can break this bond.
There are days in which I write and write some more….for no explicable reason than my heart and soul want to speak for the many years they were silenced….murmurs from the depths of my core.
Remember when you would sing and I would dance? A voice as beautiful as an angel, and smile so bright, I am sure the sun itself felt jealous whenever you would laugh…maybe that is why you are no longer here–the Gods did not want to share you.
I remember the days I would compose and you would read my poetry out loud, or how we both enjoyed submerging in the river waters…cold but happy to be alive. You are no longer here yet your shadow is imprinted on my walk, my poetry, my soul; I won’t allow you to leave me until my time comes to an end.
As I sit thinking of you, I can hear your words once more “Sofia, show them how it is done….while you are here live, for one day your time will come”. Your words bring comfort to my soul, your memory serenity and strength. I miss you, I’ve always missed you, even through the absence and time that separates yet unite us. I love you….but you already know that.
As I open my window and stretch out my hand, I can feel the cool, fresh air. I hear the wind whispering “no more sadness, no more pain…at least not today”.